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8 studio 27
I want to talk about psychological safety and interrogate why I don't feel safe in some groups
Maybe when my 'social performance' can have direct implications I can freeze up instead
Frequency also has something to do with it
Feelings of 'otherness' or 'outsider-ness' can as well
I definitely feel more comfortable and confident when the majority of the group are strangers to each other. We're all on a perceived equal footing
Maybe When the ties between are weaker I feel that I have more room to define myself?
When I daydream I dream of impressing people by revealing previously unknown parts of myself
The feeling that I am wholly 'known' is beyond grating
Ok there's something there, something in never wanting to be wholly known because then I still have the opportunity to surprise?
Or maybe because if they don't fully know me then anything negative they say or a negative judgement won't be true because they didn't have the complete picture anyways
The great fear of being dismissed
So now what?
There's also a fear embedded in that: the fear of being given up on
On becoming a self that feels true
Sometimes you bruise your shin but move on and kind of forget about it but then randomly touch it and all of a sudden you remember and it's so clear that it hasn't healed yet
And I'm not sure how to handle that. When I give time to heal I just ended up forgetting
Forgetting is an unconscious way of protecting yourself from pain but it doesn't heal anything. Something always escaped through your unconscious
It's part of my job to notice the small imperfections ( because they tend to balloon over time) but I've had a hard time turning that 'off'