Matt's Roof Garden

Powered by 🌱Roam Garden

May 2nd, 2021

Read

This #[Twitter thread] on in person interactions struck a chord with me as I've had a very similar experience recently.

I think one reason Twitter and other online communities are addictive is because socialising irl is often boring to painful, whereas somehow it becomes enjoyable if translated into a textual take it or leave it format.

There's less pressure to act right on a second to second basis or to participate if you don't know what to say or to stop talking about the things that interest you because no one else wants to hear about your current obsession.

There's fewer ambiguous situations where you're locked in to an activity with no clear goal or termination criteria but where there are lots of fuzzy unclear rules preventing you from doing what you want (like leave) for fear of being rude.

I do have deeply ambiguous feelings about socialising and people. I am social in many senses. I like talking with people about common interests and exchanging views. I like seeing what other people are doing. I care about friends and society and I don't like it when people suffer

People I know can attest that it can be hard to shut me up once I start on any topic of interest.

And yet... so much of the structure of typical irl encounters seems designed to suck all the joy from them. Things sound like they might be fun and then you go and they drain you. I sometimes miss people if they're gone, but if they're present I often want them to go away.

It's hard to get to the point of intimacy where someone doesn't provoke this hot cold reaction when I'm with them all the time. My marriage has easily been the longest and most successful relationship I've ever had, and I'm very glad that it works. 😀

This is something in general that has frustrated me to no end because I never know when it's going to strike, with who, or where.

Just remembered that ages ago I wrote a little poem what I perceived as a sort of "Joy quotient"

Sometimes I feel it early, sometimes I reach it late Either way I hurry Before it turns to hate

It has been particularly frustrating when dating. There are some people, a very small number, who I meet and I am instantly comfortable being more myself with them then nearly anyone else. I can count these people on two hands. There's no discernible pattern between them; old, young, reserved, in-your-face, background, nothing. More often than not these turn into close-knit friendships or romantic relationships.

There is something about these people that makes me feel safe. If I could figure out what it is then maybe I could find more people like them!

If I had to take a guess I think it has something to do with a willingness to be open and vulnerable