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I'm feeling playful so let's do a thread on social risk, authenticity, real talk, cringe, confidence, Impro, and social rescue! #[Twitter thread]
in Johnstonian-derived improv classes ( Book/Impro ) one of the first things you get taught is to HAVE FUN! because that's why you're doing improv, right?
it's really amazing to watch a performer get into a tricky scene or have a severe miscommunication and own the failure with a laugh or a brilliant recovery, but they absolutely do NOT want to cringe watching you flail or struggle
this gets at a deeper dynamic that I see occur constantly in conversations and get alluded to on Twitter: most people, esp those who don't know you personally, don't want to feel like they have to "rescue" you emotionally. this happens when YOU get stuck, socially or emotionally
on stage this is when the performer is at a genuine loss and doesn't know what to do and they shut down. In social contexts this can happen in many situations but most frequently is someone making a social bid like "let's talk about x/what do you think of y" and getting rejected
this rejection is such a traumatizing experience that many people never make explicit social bids and instead go with the flow of the conversation or "sense" where it is. For people who want to connect on deeper levels, this can be a really difficult situation
This is compounded by two factors:
A) most people aren't socially skilled enough to save face for someone else's failed bid
B) most people aren't socially skilled enough to recover themselves from a failed bid
but there ARE specific recovery moves and social tactics that help!
Watching good improvisors is great because they entertain us, thrill us with the risk of failure, but we're never worried they'll get stuck
(flipside: if ppl's first experiences with improv was bad improv, it can be so cringe they never watch it again)
the way to make OTHER people feel safe that they don't need to rescue you, and therefore willing to take deeper risks with you comes down to two tactics:
make it fun
call out what's happening
I'll share examples inspired by @Elodes12's thread here
if you want to go deeper into a conversation or change a subject, state your intention in a playful way
I have one go-to move that almost always works: dramatically place hands on table, lean in, and say "ok, real talk:<absurd/deep question statement>"
you want to have a conspiratorial, playful, inviting tone that makes people feel like they're about to get a treat from you! not like you're about to get heavy and serious and intense (even if you are). it needs to feel like a gift, not an obligation
and if people are awkward about it, or don't want to engage, the solve is to call out exactly what's happening in the subtext: "ahh, looks like we don't want to get too deep right now, I take it back!"
this is an EXTREMELY powerful move. Why? It makes people feel SAFE
demonstrates awareness of ability to "read the room"
respects where people are
puts the dynamic out into the open, which makes the failure less "unspeakable" and cringe
and does all of this with a "no big deal" attitude and playfulness
They don't feel like they have to rescue you; you just rescued THEM from having to deal with what they assume would be a bad response to rejection and since you made the subtext explicit, you can forcefully redirect the dialogue: "anyway, you were talking about X?"
you can also use this same technique to rescue other people with some reassurance: "oh, I guess people are just on a different wavelength at the moment, but I'd love to hear about that later" when you normalize these dynamics, other people become more comfortable and skilled at them too
this really is a virtuous cycle because the better you get at these techniques the more people trust you and invite you into their lives. and up to a certain point, you can get away with all kinds of silly social stuff just by pointing out exactly what you're doing
saying something like "I'm going to ask you a really annoying question, feel free to refuse it" for some reason makes people feel like they're involved in a game which makes them MORE likely to accept your bids, but also feel safe if they don't want to
accessing deeper conversations with people is about setting expectations so people don't feel blindsided by the actual content of your interaction, and in a way that feels risk free, both for the other party and for yourself. If you can do this, people will follow you anywhere
If you want to see powerful examples of this, I do recommend watching some improv. there's something inexplicably hilarious about watching a performer get confused and then say "wow, I'm confused" or "I'm not sure what to say to that" --the release of tension causes laughter
one school of thought in improv is that if you get confused, literally just ask. "wait, what's your name? I thought you were Y." I've seen performers literally go "TIME OUT", tell each other who their characters are, and resume. It's fucking hilarious
ultimately, it all boils down to making the implicit, taboo, difficult, unsafe to talk about explicit in such a way that feels normal and Not A Big Deal. Bonus: the more you do this, the more likely other people will also do it, and help each other feel safe to go deeper too
aside: couldn't really get "confidence" to fit into the flow of this thread but the quick point is: confidence is not required, these are mechanical techniques that you can get good at and otherwise be an insecure shivering wreck (like many improvisors, incidentally :p)