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a common question people ask about marriage is "aren't you afraid you're going to get bored of the same person?" There are layers to this – the fear, the boredom of "the same person". I suppose I'd start by asking, do you worry about getting bored with yourself? some yes, some no

if the person is like, "oh, i don't get bored of myself, if I start to get bored of myself then I just start trying new things, going new places..." – then that's pretty easy to solve. it's basically the same idea. If the person is "yes i'm bored of myself" it's a harder solve

one way of interpreting boredom is that there are no stakes, no consequences, nothing affects anything. IME people tend to do this to themselves. they're typically afraid or avoiding something uncomfortable/challenging/risky etc. the "opposite" of boredom is flow

it isn't the repetitiveness of issues in a relationship that makes it stale and boring – it's the repetitiveness of your response to those issues. which is to say, if you fix and address each issue as they come up, then you keep "advancing"

if you learn to "address the debt" in a relationship – and you'll start having to get more creative, it's actually a lot like a video game that ramps up in difficulty – then it becomes like a crucible for personal growth. you both become more powerful

if you're doing it properly, you get better and better at reading each other, at being sensitive to each other's needs, at communicating around each other's sore spots. you act as a unit. which lets you do more, better, faster. it's growth! and

I suppose it's kind of like asking a bodybuilder if they get bored of lifting, or an athlete if they get bored of training. it depends on how they direct their attention.

to a novice, novelty is newness. to the master, novelty is nuance. and there's always more nuance. infinite

and yes – the novelty of newness diminishes off with each subsequent hit. I've spoken with 1000s of strangers, and I have dozens of people that I've spoken 100-1000s of times with, and 99% of the interesting conversations happen many conversations in

to circle back to the original question "aren't you going to get bored with the same person", idk. i'm not the same person I was last year, and neither is my wife. we each seem to become more interesting every year. I don't think everybody plays like this, but this how we roll

it's kind of like startup life vs corporate life, in a sense. do you crave the chaos of emotional intimacy? or do you prefer a sort of bureaucratic lull? there are many ways to play!

Another counterpoint (maybe you've mentioned) is "won't you get bored of going through the same baby steps in a relationship over and over?"

Long marriage means you have the chance to level up and do 40-year-married things that many/most ppl never dream of

imagine asking victor wooten if he's bored of playing bass for 50+ years? it's obviously still interesting and exciting. that's because you can always bring new things *to* the instrument, and explore things *with* the instrument. same for marriage IME

but also, y'know. lots of people pick up a musical instrument, go for a few classes, and then give up. that's very common. and I don't want to judge anybody who does that. if you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it. you won't get any pressure about it from me

the challenge – the invitation, really – is to learn to be graceful and artful with your attention, and direct it beautifully, whatever beauty means to you

once you practice that for some time, I think you wouldn't need any lectures about relationships or whatever. you just live your life with grace, presence and tenderness and you figure out whatever you need as you go


growth is never boring

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