January 13th, 2022

yeah i think therapy has been a really big thing for me and like kind of what you're saying in that realm of like i'm feeling like i'm becoming closer to that person i always envision myself through therapy yeah something i've realized pretty recently but definitely is the result of a lot of therapy is that for years i thought that if i achieved enough i was gonna be worth it i thought that if i got to a certain place in my career the people i loved were gonna love me perfectly and i was gonna be perfect and even when i messed up i was gonna be successful enough not to leave or something yeah and once i like achieved all of my wildest dreams career-wise which i have maybe i should dream bigger i don't know but i i definitely have i i'm feel super lucky to be where i'm at but once i achieved everything i wanted to achieve and had the career i one to have and had to face the fact that i wasn't the type of person that i wanted to be with forever right like they always say that right like you gotta be the person that you'd want like would you date you and right a couple years ago my answer was no and sometimes it's still no truly truly there are days where i'm like why why would anyone do this oh my gosh yeah i think that a lot do you it's crazy yeah i mean i don't know maybe that self-awareness is good but like i i really i just was so focused on the wrong stuff for so long and like look it worked i'm i'm pretty successful in my in my field in my desired profession but there's a lot about me that i want to be better at like i want to be more forgiving and i want to be more flexible and i want to be more open-minded and even keel and like you know curious and intelligent like there's all these things i want to be that have nothing to do with my achievements or my career and it is a it is a really hard pill to swallow if you are like a high achieving person yeah to come to terms with the fact that that is not what's gonna make you feel whole and good about yourself you're gonna have to like read a book oh my god which is crazy i don't know why it's so much harder to read a book than it is to like toil away in comedy clubs for 10 years but i'm like oh my god this is the worst